Two Worlds, One Family

In January I took a day trip to Carbonear for a basketball tournament with my older son, Lincoln.

The next day, I took Tyson to an Exceptional Connections NL event and one of the moms asked me about the basketball tournament.

It was at that moment that I thought about how different my life is with each of my boys.

I sometimes feel like I am living in two separate worlds, each one never intersecting with the other.

The basketball tournament was great. It was nice to see Lincoln hanging out with his friends, independent and carefree.

I got plenty of time to chat with the other parents, sat down and had lunch at a restaurant (for those of you not part of a neurodiverse family you may not realize how rare it is to simply sit at a restaurant and enjoy a meal) and made a trip to the famous TNT store (it was all the buzz with the basketball moms).

I spent the entire day carting around teenage boys, cheering on the team and just going with the flow based on how the team was doing in the tournament.

My adventures with Tyson have never been ‘go with the flow’.

One always needs to be completely present in the moment.

Focused.

Prepared.

For years, I never left the house with Tyson without wearing sneakers and dressing in layers. I just never knew when I would need to catch him quickly and I don’t know what frustrated me more, the chasing or becoming overcome with heat.

Even now, I always wear flats when we go anywhere and I pause before I leave the door to ensure I am prepared with everything he may need – noise cancelling headphones, communication iPad, and goldfish – all of the necessities for a successful outing.

We could never just show up to a random restaurant without knowing what was on the menu, if the environment was too loud, and if the atmosphere was welcoming.

Before I could answer my friend, Tyson had disappeared (again). He didn’t leave the gym as I was close to the entrance but I could not see him.

Being at an event that is run by special needs moms, they instantly knew, without hesitation to look for him.

Each of them scattered without being asked and sure enough he was found – safe but hidden out of plain sight.

Reminder to self: you can’t have a conversation with someone and let yourself be distracted enough that you take your eyes off Tyson for a second.

There is no time for conversations when on duty.

Yet with Lincoln, I had spent the days chatting with other moms, browsing around some shops, and enjoying some great basketball.

It’s strange how different life can be experienced within one family.

These moms in neurotypical families have never experienced some of the things we neurodiverse families go through daily.

They probably have never thought about having to watch an eleven-year-old at ALL times.

They probably have never thought about carefully selecting footwear each time they leave the house, never knowing when they will be part of a fast pursuit.

They probably have never thought about going to a new restaurant for the first time and not finding a single food item their child will eat.

Despite all the extra that is required to support Tyson out in the community, it doesn’t bother me.

I am happy to try my best to adapt to what he needs on any given day for him to be successful.

It can be a lot of work, but it is worth it.

What bothers me, however, is how separate it seems.

One life with Lincoln.

One life with Tyson.

No intersection.

I would love to be able to take Tyson to one of Lincoln’s games and see him cheer on his big brother just like the other siblings do.

I would love for Tyson to bug me for more money for sour keys and Gatorade from the canteen.

I would love for me and Mark to be there for Lincoln without needing to have someone be with Tyson.

Is this too much to ask?

At this time, yes!

Right now, we need to meet Tyson where he is and honour what Lincoln needs as a fourteen-year-old teenager.

But who knows what the future holds?

I never would have guessed that myself and Mark would now spend part of our evening playing video games with Tyson. (I bet you can guess which video game we are playing 😉).

An unexpected ‘celebrate the small stuff’ moment.

And maybe one day Tyson will have the ability and interest to sit through a noisy basketball game to support his brother.

Who knows, we have been surprised before!

For those who identify as part of a neurodiverse family, do you relate? Feel free to share your experiences below.

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Sidenote: Exceptional Connections NL is a wonderful inclusive family events group for the neurodiverse and disability community created by a group of parents to provide a connected, safe and welcoming environment. ‘All ages, all abilities, all exceptionalities’

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